Brooklyn Comedy Company

Uh..me too

2007-07-15T03:08:00.000-04:00

I will NOT promise to update this a lot, but i DO promise to stop by occasionally and judge others. Elon...judged.

SHADES of BLACK - AUGUST 2nd, 2007

2007-07-14T17:24:00.000-04:00

I'm not going to lie.

2007-07-06T12:22:00.001-04:00

I have the hardest time updating this thing.

But I'm going to attempt to make this apart of my routine. To let you folks know about the great stuff that we're working on.

Shades of Black has become a monthly show at Julep. Last night we just had our 2nd show and it was great. (Check out pictures here) Performances by Wil Sylvince, Eric Andre, Rondell Hartley, Michelle Buteau and myself. We even had an opening act provided by Neil Charles.

The next show is August 2nd. It's going to rock. You should be there.

And come back here. This thing will be updated, so help me God. Or ADD medication. One or the other.

Jamaica's International Comedy Festival!

2007-06-22T19:55:00.001-04:00

Everyone has at least one MySpace friend in Jamaica, so let them know about the International Comedy Festival next weekend!

Prices in JA currency, of course.

Love ya like cooked food,
Ms Michelle Buteau *

The Official Apology from...Well...Us.

2006-12-14T23:04:00.000-05:00

edited:

Its the 14th of december. we will post here at some point. but basically accept the we suck logo once again.

argh.

It's the fricken 24th of September and there hasn't been any sarcasm or snarkiness out of this blog in forever. We should be ashamed of ourselves. I vow to bring the sarcasm back(queue justin timberlake) So from us to you here's our apology.

Expect fresh new silliness from us starting tomorrow.

British totally copying America AGAIN!

2006-10-10T10:40:00.000-04:00

Oh. My. God. Like, Britain is like always trying to like copy us an stuff. Like, we were the first ones who wanted to have a war on terror. Like, that was our, like, idea, you know? And Like Tony Blair was all like "Oh, my God! Like that's totally a good idea." and TOTALLY COPIED US.
And, like I didn't even think that much of it at the time, because I was like whatever, and like I figured at least we could have like trade military forces and stuff or whatever, but now they're TOTALLY COPYING US AGAIN!
Like, everybody knows we're the fattest nation in the world. Like, we have been for like EVER! And now the British are all getting fat and acting like they didn't TOTALLY steal the idea from us!
And like they're not even that good at it. Like less than 25% of British people are obese, and we've been over 30% for like ten years. Like, hello Britain, like maybe you should go back to something you're good at, like having stupid faces and ugly hair.

And give us back our BFF necklace.

Leading by Examplication

2006-08-30T11:02:00.000-04:00

Back in the day there was a lot of hand-wringing on the right about how Clinton's example led to a boom in teenage blowjobs (not to mention corporate crime). I suppose that means we can now credit our President for the sharp drop in SAT scores.

And maybe a press conference where the CEO of Halliburton weepily confesses that he can't read.

Cross-posted from Stay Free! Daily

Karr-put Karr-ma Karr

2006-08-30T00:51:00.000-04:00

That's my feeble attempt at a Pun headline. Not good? Well I hope someone gets you with a Karr bomb!

Huh? Nothing on that.

So Mr. John Mark Karr who came forward and confessed to "being present" during the murder of little JonBenet Ramsey some 10 years ago is being let go. The evidence just doesn't add up. Well fine. BUT obviously this man is obsessed with the case enough that he may do something similar to someone in the future.

Say a man loves donuts way too much. So much so that he's claimed to eat donuts that he actually didn't eat. I think its safe to assume that that man might try to or actually eat donuts in the future. Especially if he's obsessed with and has tried to correspond with the makers of the donuts and his wife left him because of his unhealthy obssesion with donuts and he was busted for having illegal donut paraphenalia and he was in Thailand trying to get his hands on the freshest donuts he could find. I'm pretty sure the man is gonna try to eat donuts and should be stopped.

Be ready. Cause its coming.

2006-08-23T15:57:00.000-04:00

Father of White Supremacist Singers Fought for Custody

2006-08-23T15:48:00.000-04:00

After ABC first aired a story on Lynx and Lamb in October 2005, the music duo got worldwide attention, becoming fodder for television talk show hosts like Bill Maher and Joe Scarborough. The publicity evoked a lot of outrage and chatter on Internet message boards.

But no one claims to be more outraged than the girls' estranged father, Kris Lingelser.

..."It's just horrible," Lingelser says. "How do I feel? I want it to stop. I want them to not say 'Heil Hitler.'"...

Really. You want them NOT to say 'Heil Hitler? Thats nice. That you want them not to say that.

And that's why Lingelser went back to court to try to regain custody, which he lost when he and April first divorced because, he admits, he had a problem with drugs.

"I had a drug issue, and you know, I was not always the most responsible parent," Lingelser says.

ABC News uncovered a troubling letter in which Lingelser threatened to kill April and the twins if she told police of his drug abuse.

er...If i have a choice of a drug addict who threatens to kill people to raise these kids or some crazy racist bitch...I may have to vote for racism. These chicks are singers, its not like they're going to go and put up a burning cross themselves. But they could easily become crack whores or pimped by their dad.

Keep the violent druggie away from the kids. Prolly realizes they're a gold mine in middle America. He needs the cash to support his habit.

How do you know when its over.

2006-08-18T13:50:00.000-04:00

It kinda sounds like this song >>click here<<

Holy hell.

Beyonce's new single is powerfully bad. Like she had to work to make it this bad. Like it wasn't like she just stumbled upon something that wasn't that hot. She was like 'Hmmm. What could I do that could suck serious ass. Like serious ass. Like the type of sucky that would signal a downfall of a diva?'

Oh wait. I know. I'll make this crappy ass song. "Ring the Alarm" has the markings of someone who's gonna have to work really really hard on a third album not to be known as a hasbeen. Jay Z is already looking at her replacement.

Rhianna. The Beyonce Slayer. Who said it. I believe I DID a few months ago.

And listen to this song. Is Beyonce calling Ms. Rhianna out? There was rumors of a trist between her and Jay.

She gave an interview saying that this album she did all by herself. With out daddy dearest. Why am I starting to think that was the worst thing she could have done.

When did this page become a gossip column.

Actually. When did this page start getting updated. Thats a waaaay better question.

ejw

News

2006-08-16T13:02:00.000-04:00

Strong Gas Odor Sends 18 Staten Islanders To Hospital

This is news? Really? Something stinks in Staten Island? Isn't Staten Island like 80% landfill?

Stand-Up comedian struck down from hit and run.

2006-08-04T17:36:00.000-04:00

Brooklyn N.Y - (BcCo News - 8.4.06) Stand-Up Comedian and sometimes cheeseburger eater Elon James White was found dead on 8/3/06 from a speeding vehicle.

Wait. Wait, He's not dead. He just feels like he is.

Sources say that his amazing bicycling abilities were thrown out the window when...well..something happened. We don't know what happened. He can't say exactly(no recollection whatsoever) so its like a choose your own adventure or something. Heres some possibilities.

Elon James White struck by hurricane Katrina.
Not very likely. Especially a year later.

Elon James White head butted by some french dude.
Er...why would the french dude be on Classon and Atlantic avenue at like 1:30 in the am?

Elon James White hit by a punchline (had no idea what it was)
Way more likely than the last 2 ideas.

As for what actually happened, i believe i give a synopsis here. I'm alive and making fun of it. I don't remember what actually happened. Something about head trauma. I know, thats like so 80's. Who gets head trauma now? I'm like retro or something.

indeed.

Comedian almost knocks out yuppie dickhead.

2006-08-02T18:58:00.000-04:00

I ride my bicycle. Like, almost everywhere. During the transit strike I learned that year-round, it's a better way to get around than the subway about 75% of the time. I try not to be on of those self righteous hippie assholes who thinks their shit doesn't smell like pachouli because I'm doing something good for the environment by riding a bike, I ride my bike because it's just better for me.
However, I do feel that I have certain rights on the road. Again, not trying to get crazy and say that everybody should just get the fuck out of my way, but I do think that when there is a designated bike lane on the road, that's my space, and cars should stay the fuck out of there as much as possible.

So, Yuppie Dickhead in BMW SUV is stopped, a few cars back from the light, and he's taking up half the bike lane, and there's nothing on the other side of him. He wasn't trying to get around construction or another car or anything, he's just an inconsiderate motherfucker. I slow down to get around him safely, and I glare at him as I go by. That's all, nothing more, I don't slap in his morror like I've seen many other cyclists do under similar circumstances, I just glare. Oh, and I think I said something about not blocking the lane you inconsiderate yuppie cocksucker. I think. Maybe.

Anyway, so a couple blocks later there is construction, and the traffic does have to use the bike lane to get around, and I wind up with Yuppie Dickhead behind me, and he has the balls to blow his horn. I turn and glare and turn back, and he fucking honks again. This is when I started making bad decisions, because then we were next to each other at the next light, and rather than just riding on because I could and he was stuck at the light, I took advantage of the fact that he was stopped to try and have a dialogue with him about courteous sharing of the road.

It went something like this:

"What, I'm not allowed to be on your fucking road, dickhead? You were in such a big fucking hurry to get to this red light here? You wanna get out of the car and try honking at me again? ( I don't know what that was supposed to mean.)"

And not only did he not get out of the car, he didn't so much as roll down the window or say a single thing back to me. I mean sure, it could have been because I looked more than a little crazy, but if you're going to honk the horn, you'd better have the balls to at least shout empty threats.

Prosecutors fight 'gay panic' defenses

2006-07-21T11:38:00.000-04:00

SAN FRANCISCO, California (AP) -- Prosecutors said Thursday they want to limit the use of "gay panic" defenses -- where defendants claim their crimes were justified because of fear or anger over their victims' sexual orientation.

It was prompted by the murder of 17-year-old Gwen Araujo, a transgender teenager who was beaten and strangled in 2002 after two men with whom she'd had anal sex learned she was biologically male.

First of all. How the FUCK did a 17 year-old become a Transgender? Don't you have to have permission and a bitchload of cash to make that happen? At 17 you shouldn't be able have that happen. I don't care how much my son 'feels' like a woman, I'm not bankrolling a fricken Sex Change, and that's not because my heart would slowly be breaking. Its that at 17 I don't think you can make that decision.

Now. As for the 'Gay Panic' defense.

I think we have to stop for a second and really look at the true meaning of this. Its not like they're saying 'Oh a gay guy hit on me and I panicked so I killed him.' That would be inappropriate. But the transgender had sex with them with out letting them know he was a male! I mean they should'a thought something was strange when the first time they're meeting someone the person's like 'Hey stick it in my asshole.' Not that that can't be a a pleasurable event between a straight couple(or so I've heard) but on the first night you meet someone? A little suspicious.

But there is a psychological blow that occurs if you are suddenly informed you've had gay sex. Especially if you did not want to have the gay sex you just had. It might cause some sort of rage. Do I think killing someone is the answer? Not exactly. But that's a good way to get hurt. I don't care how PC you want to be, tricking someone about something so sensitive is dangerous and it might cause a person to do something they wouldn't normally do.

Gay Panic Defense for Robbing a gay guy? No.

Gay Panic Defense for Robbing a man of the ability to say 'I've never been with a man.'? Yes.

SIDENOTE: The guys still went to jail. And I understand that. They just didn't get 1st degree murder. I'm only saying it has to be taken into consideration.

'Sixth Sense' Star in Hospital After Crash'

2006-07-20T11:21:00.000-04:00

"LA CANADA FLINTRIDGE, Calif. -- Actor Haley Joel Osment was hospitalized early Thursday after he apparently lost control of his car while heading to his Los Angeles area home, authorities said.

Osment, who was nominated for an Academy Award for his role as a boy who could see dead people in "The Sixth Sense," was driving a 1995 Saturn about 1 a.m. when the car collided with a brick pillar and flipped, said Los Angeles County sheriff's Lt. Greg Sisneros"

Oh. My. God. This is horrible news. This is absolutely terrible. Are you telling me that after making all those movies he can only afford a 1995 Saturn? Dude, if your gonna crash your car and make news, atleast be in a lexus or something respectable. You wont catch the Olsen Twins in a fricken Saturn.

Do as the Olsens would do.

The Roast of Michelle Buteau

2006-07-19T00:50:00.000-04:00

Come help Michelle Buteau bring in her birthday while some of her buddies give her all types of shit. It'll be fun.

What are you looking at?

2006-07-18T18:09:00.000-04:00

At 11pm last sunday night, I was riding my bike home. On the corner of 5th and 20th, I saw 3 women. The were 3 average-sized white women, all with their hair braided with different colors of string in it, George Clinton style, all wearing black eyeliner and black lipstick. At least one of them was sporting the fishnet tights as sleeves look. One of them was wearing a full-on corset that pushed her boobs up level with her shoulders. The other two had no corsets, but were also doing their best to make sure that everybody knew they had boobs. I guess that's one part of the whole thing that I can kind of understand, because if it hadn't been totally clear that those things were real, and if perhaps the ladies had been a little taller, I could have guessed them for trannies. And the icing on the cake was that each one of these ladies was wearing big fucking fur leggings.

I stared.

I stared because when you see something that you've never seen before and you may never see again, you want to memorize every little detail.

So, one of them gets pissed because I'm staring, and she asks me what the hell I'm looking at, and I decide I don't want to talk to her, so I ride off without saying anything, but I decided that if those girls are allowed to walk around looking like that and getting pissed off when people stare, I should be able to open a bar called "The Free Beer All the Time Bar" and then tell people to fuck off when they come in looking for free beer.

Executive Orders

2006-07-12T14:45:00.000-04:00

Abusing executive privileges, President Bush orders pizza.
"Yeah, you know, bring it to me in one of those boxes with a flag. Like on tv."

President Bush Meets Troops

2006-07-11T23:41:00.000-04:00

Knowing these soldiers would soon encounter a road side bomb, President Bush waves good-bye via satellite.

Pope Bids Farewell

2006-07-11T21:27:00.000-04:00

Not able to let go of the past, Pope Benedict XVI heils Hitler one last time.

I like my "French Buts" HARD!

2006-07-11T04:23:00.000-04:00

Why did French soccer star lose his head, then use his head?
Oh la la.

By MOLLY MOORE
Washington Post

"The hardest thing is not to try to understand why Les Bleus lost a World Cup final match that was within reach," the French daily sports newspaper L'Equipe wrote, but "to explain to tens of millions of children around the world how you allowed yourself to head butt Marco Materazzi."

The incident was replayed dozens of times on French television: Zidane and Italian defender Materazzi exchanging words, then Zidane suddenly turning and plowing his head into Materazzi's chest, knocking the Italian on his back.

If you're gonna do it, do it right.

French fans speculate that the Italian player made a comment insulting Zidane's mother, the worst affront for a son in many parts of the world. The French anti-racism advocacy group SOS Racism issued a statement alleging that "several very well informed sources from the world of football" said Materazzi called Zidane a "dirty terrorist." Zidane's parents are Algerian.

Whatever, that's so hot. He's African. Stop it.

The New York Times reported that a cousin of Zidane said he believed Materazzi called Zidane either a terrorist or "a son of Harkis," an insulting term for Algerians who fought on the French side in Algeria's war for independence.

"It is absolutely not true. I didn't call him a terrorist. I don't know anything about that," Materazzi said when his team landed at an Italian military airfield Monday. "What happened is what all the world saw live on TV."

Zidane has not said what provoked him. His agent, Alain Migliaccio, told the British Broadcasting Corp. that Zidane told him the Italian "said something very serious to him, but he wouldn't tell me what."

I bet you it was something about his Momma. Man, you can't run for 100 minutes and not get a little crazy when someone says something about your Momma!

Timberlake releases new album

2006-07-08T13:26:00.000-04:00

Reuters reports that Justin Timberlake's new album is scheduled for release on September 11. Some are complaining that it's disrespectful but fans can't wait for it to hit Tower Records.

You asked for it, you got it

2006-07-05T12:05:00.000-04:00

Iraqi PM demands rape probe

If you demand it, is it really rape?

Natrual disaster has adorable results

2006-06-25T12:20:00.000-04:00

Nairobi - A baby-hippopotamus that survived the tsunami waves on the Kenyan coast has formed a strong bond with a giant male century-old tortoise, in an animal facility in the port city of Mombasa.

This story is so adorable I just threw up in my mouth.

I went to see An Inconvenient Truth, I know that there is a direct correlation between the rising number of catastrophic weather events and global warming, but how can anybody be motivated to fight global warming when it's results are just so FUCKING CUTE!

Lamest Protest Ever

2006-06-24T22:57:00.000-04:00

All you need to know is in this headline:

Saddam Ends Hunger Strike After Missing One Meal

I engage in that hunger strike every time I'm running late for work.

Here, kitty-kitty....

2006-06-24T19:08:00.000-04:00

Hey there, coffee-loving millionaires! Are you having trouble finding ways to spend your money? Meet the toddy cat, otherwise known as the Luwak. The Luwak is native to Indonesia and Vietnam, and is a close relative to the skunk, with whom it shares the ability to excrete an intense stinky from a gland near it's anus. Remeber that part.

Apparently the adorable Luwak is a key player in the creation of Kopi Luwak coffee, which sells for around $600 a pound. What's so special about Kopi Luwak? Why is it so expensive, and what does this adorable little tree-skunk have to do with it? Why, the beans are harvested from the animal's droppings, of course.

Yes.

That's what I said.

These coffee beans are harvested from the animal's shit.

Apparently the cute little guys have a taste for the ripe coffee fruit which, if you've ever seen it, looks something like a cherry. The exterior portion is dissolved by the animal's digestion, leaving poopy green coffee beans which are collected, cleaned, and sent off to the roasters, then slapped with it's huge price tag and send all over the world.

Now, forget for a moment how absurd this seems.

Forget the fact that anybody who spends that kind of money on coffee should be fucking arrested.

And tell me whose fucking idea was this?

This guy must have been the world's cheapest coffee plantation owner. He walks through the fields, finds a turd, and the first thing that comes to his mind is 'hey, that bean is still good.'

His taste testers must have been pissed.

I think I just came up with a way to sell corn for $600 a pound.

Ramsey the dead

2006-06-24T16:32:00.000-04:00

On Saturday, JonBenet Ramsey's mother, Patsy, passed away of ovarian cancer. Her husband, John was at her side when she died, making sure everything went according to plan this time.

Conversations With My Old Racist Homophobic Jewish Grandmother (ORHJG)

2006-06-23T14:51:00.000-04:00

ORHJG: You're friend Matt seems like a nice boy - where is his girlfriend?

ME: Ah... Matt doesn't have a girlfriend. He's gay.

ORHJG: He's What?
ME: He's gay.

ORHJG: What? Is something wrong with him? Is he not good enough to be straight?

ME: No, no - there is nothing wrong with him. I think a lot of girls would be very happy if he were straight actually - but he just prefers men.

ORHJG: Prefers men?! Why would anyone PREFER men? They are hairy and always smell and when they get older they turn very ugly and they can't do anything. They're idiots! Good for nothing! How could anyone prefer that?

ME: (laughing) I don't know - maybe it's good that someone out there prefers them more than straight women right?

ORHJG: Oy vey. Next time you see your friend Matt - you wish him good luck from me.

ME: I'm sure he would appreciate that.

Tossed in trash, man finds wife's ring at garbage dump

2006-06-20T15:35:00.000-04:00

NEW YORK -- A little help from sanitation workers probably saved Ron Goldstein a lot of explaining to his wife.The Staten Island man, who had tucked his wife's 3.5-carat diamond ring in a napkin for safe keeping while she was at the hospital, accidentally threw the bauble in the trash.
Show me a man who will dig threw 16 tons of garbage for his wifes wedding ring, and I'll show you a man who deserves a years supply of blow jobs no questions asked.

"But Elon, he threw the ring out. So he should have to find it."

Ahem...F' that.

Shit happens. Things are lost. Thats the way of the universe, but if I dig through 16 tons of garbage, thats going above and beyond. ABOVE AND BEYOND. Blow Jobs, or some 20 year old on the side. Either will do.

Really. Either.

Garbage Dump. Thats just nasty.

Yeah. Definitely.

The Beyonce Killer

2006-06-20T13:06:00.000-04:00

This girl can't create a bad song. Her last few singles are just hit, after hit, after hit. With exotic looks and the money of def jam behind her. Beyonce, i think its over. Specially with that single you just dropped. You better work on the remix NOW.

Suspect Nabbed In NYC Stabbing Spree

2006-06-15T14:10:00.000-04:00

Or Throw Your Knives in the Air
And Wave 'em Like You Just Don't Care

by Leighann Lord

According to New York 1, "A homeless man is awaiting his arraignment after police say he admitted to a 12-hour stabbing spree. Kenny Alexis, 20, has been charged in three attacks, during which four people were stabbed."

Takes you back, doesn't it? How retro. In these days of terrorism and color coded security alerts, a good old fashion stabbing spree is quite nostalgic. Anyone remember the guy caught wielding a sword on the Staten Island Ferry? How about the guy pricking women on the butt with hypdermic needles?

Is it significant that of the four people stabbed only one was a New Yorker? Hell, he's probably not a native. It's been a while, but I'd like to think our Spidey Senses still tingle better than that.

Well, as the signs now say, "If You See Something, Say Something." I say in light of this recent stabbing spree, graffiti and squeegee men be making a comeback.

Bush apologizes to vision-impaired reporter

2006-06-15T09:36:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Bush, who often teases members of the White House press corps, apologized Wednesday after he poked fun at a reporter for wearing sunglasses without realizing they were needed for vision loss.

Can't they whisper some sense to the Pres via some ear peice or something like 'Hey, not the time for humor. NOT THE TIME.' Was this the first time this reporter was at the press corp? Aren't you supposed to be kinda familiar with the people there?

And really it was a double insult, because on top of cracking on his disease inspired fashion sense, he didn't answer the f'ing question. ANSWER THE QUESTION FUCKER. DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT know about the nonsense in the white house?!? And pointing out the Rove got off doesn't mean he was innocent. It means he's truly evil incarnate and has the ability to manipulate people like the Dameon kid from 'The Omen'

I'm out.

Indonesia volcano eruption traps two

2006-06-15T09:21:00.000-04:00

MOUNT MERAPI, Indonesia (AP) -- Rescuers dug through debris Thursday to reach two people trapped when Indonesia's most volatile volcano erupted, nearly enveloping a village with a searing gas cloud and forcing thousands of residents to flee

No. NO! I will not be drawn into this. I do not feel bad. Why would you choose to live near a VOLCANO! I'ts a fricken VOLCANO. According to the article "The eruption Wednesday came just a day after officials lowered the alert level and people returned to the homes around Mount Merapi."

Alert LEVELS!?!?!?

This volcano is so volatile that there's alert levels! Why live here! This is stupid. I'm sure there's somewhere in Indonesia where there AREN'T volcanoes, and if there isn't, LEAVE INDONESIA. I'm not living any where with volcanoes. Sorry. I like life.(okay, lets not get carried away. I'm okay with life, but enough that I'm not going there.)

"Hey Elon, We have a 17 bedroom Mansion with 20 foot high ceilings and crystal chandeliers."

Is it near a volcano?

"Er...yes."

THEN KISS MY ASS. I won't no PARTS of this . Am I strange? I don't want to live where volcanoes, earthquakes, hurricanes and shit destroy my house or almost KILL ME.

ugh.

How to Sell out - By Larry The Cable Guy

2006-06-14T17:17:00.000-04:00

Yup. Thats him. I have only one thing to say.

Kudos Sir. F*** that trying to be yourself stuff. Sell out, and sell out hard! Make that MONEY.

I can't WAIT till i can sell out.

Cops: 4 stabbed in 12-hour span

2006-06-14T10:17:00.000-04:00

New York, NY - AM-NY Two people were stabbed in separate incidents on the city's subway system, and two others were stabbed in a Times Square attack in a roughly 12-hour period, police said.

4 stabbings in in 12 hours! You know what that means!

Its Puerto Rican Pride Week here in NYC!

That was weak. I should try again.

***

4 Stabbings in a 12 hour period, you know what that means!

Damn. I'm still trying to tie in puerto ricans. Stabbings are the puerto ricans domain. Damnit! Oh wait, the people who stabbed people were black. FUCK.

***************
MEMO

To: Black People
From: Elon James White
Date: June 14th, 2006
Subject: Stabbing people.

Black People: We cannot allow the stereotype of cutting people to be brought into the cannon of black stereotypes that already exist. It has long been the understanding of everyone that the Puerto Ricans are the ones with knifes. If we continue such a stabbing spree we will change the very dynamic of racism here in NYC. We were already struck a serious blow with the DC sniper being black, we cannot allow this to continue.

If you're angry with someone, please, just continue to shoot them. Beat them if need be, Aas we always have. Leave the stabbing to Jose, Miguel and Jesus.

ejw

***

Alba Says 'Fantastic Four 2' Will Be 'Exciting, Hot, New, Fresh'

2006-06-13T14:31:00.000-04:00

CULVER CITY, California — Comic book character-turned-cinematic superhero Sue Storm is best known for her powers of invisibility, which allow her to sneak around and keep the secrets of the Fantastic Four from falling into the wrong hands. While Jessica Alba can understand such tendencies, she prides herself on being a bit more upfront.

"It's going to be a very, very exciting, hot, new, fresh 'Fantastic Four.' We're going to amp up the action, amp up the love interest, amp it all up."

Ahem. Shoot me. Did anyone see the original Fantastic Four with the lovely Alba? This second movie wont be good if she's in it. It won't be good if any of the original group of people who were involved in the first making is in this one. Amp it up? AMP IT UP? 5 bucks on this being the crappiest of craptastic crap ever crapped out of someones crapper.

Any takers?

ugh.

Queens judge removed from office

2006-06-13T14:09:00.000-04:00

AM-NY - A state Supreme Court justice accused of helping a suspect evade arrest in 2004 was thrown out of office Tuesday by the state's highest court.

The State Commission on Judicial Conduct voted 8-2 last year to remove Justice Laura Blackburne from the bench in Queens County after she told a court officer to escort robbery suspect Derek Sterling out a rear door to an elevator reserved for judges and out of sight of a detective waiting for him.

Er...What?

Okay. I'm not trying to imply anything, uh..but, who risks her judgeship 2 years from retirement just because she thinks someone might be innocent. You don't do it. Unless something else is going on. She's an older woman. This dude might have brought her a bit of...um...joy, ya know? And he can't bring joy if he's in prison. The only time I've heard of a woman risking career over some dude is because of some serious pipe laying. SERIOUS. PIPE. LAYING.

I'm speaking of sex. Just in case you're sitting there like 'What's all this plumbing talk?'

Hey. This dude obviously has the Magic Stick. She's suspended. No longer a judge and he still was caught within 12 hours. She knew that was a possibility, yet she rolled with it. I want lessons from this dude.

Lessons.

NOTE: Yes I am quite aware that I have no actual proof of my accusations and that I shouldn't speak as if it is now fact. But...come on. It sounds kinda right.

Yeah, I need money. F' the meaningful nonsense.

2006-06-12T15:29:00.000-04:00

You know. I always find it interesting how integrity goes straight out the window when you need money.

Nelly Furtado, who became pretty popular after 'I'm Like a Bird' and a few other songs and collaborations with Missy Elliot, for her second album became very, how do you say...er...meaningful. She was tired how she was being potrayed, like a WHITE girl. "You can feel like a minority on the inside, even if you dont feel like one on the outside."

WHAT!?

Plus she had her first child. So she was all maternal and shit and produced this crap.

Yeah, that album? Not selling so much. What to do? WHAT TO DO? Oh, call Timberland and shake yo ass to a hot beat, and stop talking that empowerment shit.

Gotta love what money will do to a person.

Red state backlash hurts Chicks' tour

2006-06-09T17:22:00.000-04:00

LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters + CNN) -- Country music trio the Dixie Chicks, still taking heat for criticizing U.S. President George W. Bush, are weathering sluggish ticket sales in several cities for their upcoming U.S. tour, industry watchers reported on Thursday.

I don't feel bad for the Dixie chicks.

Wait a second. I feel bad for the 2 back up dixies. I don't feel bad for the lead singer. She's the one who won't shut her yap. SHUT YOUR YAP! Soon as the album came out she started up. The fricken hicks had already forgotten what you said before. The Red States don't have very good memories, OBVIOUSLY! But soon as the new album was on the horizon Lead Singer chick was all, 'I take back my apology from last time.' The other 2 dixies must've been pissed.

"What the FUCK are you doing. We need to make a living! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

But then the album came out and they were number 1 in the nation. So it seems that they were all good. The little promotional stunt worked. But you guys only sold 526,000. Which, while impressive, that could be completely bought by New York and Los Angeles and even then thats not even 10 percent of NYC's population. The money isn't in the record sales, its the TOURING. And you need those red states bizatches. So far like 10 dates have been canceled.

Thank your big mouthed leader chicks.

NOTE: I am not against her remarks. I'm against stupidity. You're a country music band. Your bread and butter is red states. It would SEEM like you'd want to not fuck that up.

Old news, but new!

2006-06-09T12:45:00.000-04:00

So we all know about the feud between Eminem and Moby, it's old news. Moby called Marshall a masogynist, Em called Moby a fag, blah blah blah. Now, I've never particularly liked Moby, mostly because vegans can't be trusted, but I read something new about this little tiff between these two nice boys that made me hate Moby oh, so much more.

In Without Me, the last thing Eminem says about Moby is "Nobody listens to Techno." Now obviously this is a generalization on Eminem's part, certainly there must be some people listening to Techno, it's just that all of those people suck. Now, Moby's response to this, according to Wikkipedia, besides just being a holier-than-thou pompous prick and acting like he's just so confused by the level of Eminem's venom for him, was to say that he hasn't even made a techno record since 1992. His music apparently falls into the category of "Electronica." Now, what the fuck is the difference, who can tell the difference, and who the fuck cares are obviously the first few questions that come to mind, but more importantly, what the fuck kind of comeback is that? Eminem put you on blast and you're going to sit there like a fucking Bond villain with an English accent like "Sorry, Em. A valiant effort, but I'm afraid that's the wrong shitty sub-genre. Mwa-hahahaha."

And you know he had that trademark smug look on his face. I just want to shove a rack of beef ribs up his self-righteous vegan ass. I'm sorry, but I'm just not going to buy that you're the prince of virtue committed to making the world a better place when you've been on Cribs twice. Oh, that's right, twice, bitches! Once giving us all a tour of his multi-million dollar LES pad with the the refrigerator stocked full of vegan foods and Teany Teas, and then later he showed the world around the FUCKING MASSIVE vacation home he's got upstate somewhere. This place was fucking huge, I mean it, his bedroom was bigger than most apartments, and there was hardly anything in the place because he's really committed to that minimalism premise, so he just had a gigantic open room with a bed and a desk and a whole wall of windows. Yeah, because a 1,000 square foot doesn't reek of materialism at all.

I shouldn't have started writing this. Now I've made myself all angry.

The Library? Really?

2006-06-07T10:02:00.000-04:00

You guys didnt know about the new hot spot for sin and disgusting behavior. Its the library bitches. LIBRARY. Please watch this.

Why Cooper, WHY?!?!!? And better yet, why in fuck would you go and talk about it. I would'a been like 'Im sorry, I don't know what your talking about. Thats not me. Nope. Not me at all. don't know what you THINK you saw but I'm saying its not me. You gots a prob? Do ya bitch? I didnt think so. And maybe you should spend your time in better ways than trying to tape a horny bastard beating his meat. And it wasnt me.'

Sidenote: A judge has set a 500,000 thousand dollar bail for this dude. Yes, beating off in public isn't exactly cool, but come on. No one whack session is worth a half a Million dollars. He coulda paid 150 dollars and had an actual woman in a private hotel do him.

Not that I know this. Cause I don't KNOW this. I've just HEARD this.

I'm gonna go stand over here now.

O! Really?

2006-06-07T05:44:00.000-04:00

"In a turn perhaps inspired by Vince Vaughn or Owen Wilson, Oprah Winfrey crashed several Tulsa wedding receptions over the weekend, collecting footage that will be seen on her show."

Are you kidding me? I'm already ON a waiting list for Oprah's show. Now a bitch has gots' to get married to meet the broad?!

"She came in wearing her pink dress and was all hidden under her hat," she said. "I knew it was her."

No SHIT! How many people do you know are named Oprah, and more importantly, how many black people do you think were even invited to this wedding?

Winfrey dropped off dishes for the newlyweds and posed for a picture during her few minutes at the reception.

Before visiting the reception, Winfrey stopped off at another wedding party, according to KOTV, which airs the syndicated "Oprah Winfrey Show" locally.

She surprised Morgan and Bethany Francis at their reception, congratulating the couple and leaving a wedding gift of more dishes.

Look, I don't know if this blog will ever reach you Oprah, or your peeps, but bitch, you and your crew can come over anytime, I've got my own dishes, and I'LL do them!

Really? ...Really?

2006-06-06T10:39:00.000-04:00

On my travels via MySpace I came across this particular ad.

And I get it. Moguls. Thats the top half of Jay Z's head, and he is now a mogul. He's running Def Jam. He's pretty fucking big. Mogul Indeed. Then I saw the second half of this Ad.

The New York Times? The flonkin' New York Times?? Jigga Man is now a spokesperson for the New York Times? I like Jay Z. He's from the same neighborhood I am(Bed Stuy, WHAT!?) but he is not a spokesperson for the New York Times.

"Elon You're being close minded."

HE SOLD CRACK! He sold CRACK. He may not sell crack now, but he did! He totally did! You cannot become the spokesperson for the NYT's if you've sold crack. I think that should be an automatic disqualifier.

Wealthy? Yes.
Easily Recognized? Yes.
Sold Crack? Yes.

Sorry, WE CANT USE HIM!

New York Times. This proves Rap is the one of the most powerful artforms around. Not to many ex-crack dealers can become spokespersons. Its just not how it works.

That must've sucked.

2006-06-02T15:49:00.000-04:00

I just checked our statcounter (cause I like to know how many of you guys are reading our rants and raves) and I found out this blog was found by one particular fellow who was looking up the search term:

"Gassing Niggers"

Yes. It seems some where on this blog it says gassing, and niggers so that in a websearchsearch it comes up. The poor bastard from Kansas City, Missouri who was looking for some good gassing of niggers was definitely disappointed when he got to this blog. Its chock full of niggers AND jews. Thats just gotta ruin your day.

And now we have the search term in bold. All sorts of racist fuckers are gonna come by and be completely disappointed. Oh well.

Er...what?

2006-06-02T09:51:00.000-04:00

So this blog and my own personal blog is both run with Blogspot(Negro WHAT!) and it has its own built in spell checker. So I'm sitting here, spell checking(because if you read this blog you know that I'm a horrible horrible speller) and lo 'n behold It says this...

Your kidding me right? This is a blog. I'm currently writing in a blog. Your the spell checker in the blog. You can't tell me I've spelled blog wrong. The world has gone topsy turvy, its five seconds from imploding! The blog doesn't even recognize the name BLOG, what the FUCK am I going to do!

I could just hit learn. But then where would the fun be in that.

You can keep the car

2006-06-01T12:11:00.000-04:00

I know that it is a little hack to joke about how high school boys having sex with older women isn't rape, it is a recurring fantasy. But how how far does that moratorium go? Because a Nassau County woman not only had sex with a 16-year-old, she gave him a Benz.

So, I ask, is that still rape? The answer is yes. Once you see her picture.

Can the military effectively investigate itself?

2006-05-31T14:14:00.000-04:00

No.

Who's that Katie?

2006-05-31T08:25:00.000-04:00

"Katie Couric has been co-anchor of Today since April 5, 1991. She joined the program in June 1990 as its first national correspondent and then served as substitute co-anchor from February 1991 until becoming permanent co-anchor. She is also a contributing anchor for Dateline NBC. As the entire civilized world knows, Couric's new chapter, after her final "Today" appearance tomorrow, will be as the anchor of the "CBS Evening News."

Katie has been my hero. From Nancy Reagan to Bill Gates to Bush Sr. to Koffi Annan. You name it, she's interviewed them. Couric has the ability to make everyone feel equally uncomfortable. My favorite? The hard hitting segments with the one and only Elmo, Paula Abdul and Martha Stewart. She's just so amazing. In fact, I don't think she was getting paid enough. I'd leave The Today Show too if they were only paying me $16 million a year.

Does H & M have coupons?

Babies are the "New Black"?

2006-05-30T00:54:00.000-04:00

Oh my gawd. Britney's preggers. Angelina just had a baby girl. Gwen just had a baby boy. I don't even have a pet. When did having baby in Hollywood become the "New Black"? And most importantly, how am I gonna let Angelina Jolie "out-black" me? Doesn't Queen Latifa have anything to say about this? When is Oprah going to stop buying dogs and get a baby! Ahhhhh. What time does Old Navy close? I need to go shopping.

Like looking in a mirror

2006-05-29T11:17:00.000-04:00

All along I thought I was a 35-year-old from Queens. It turns out that I am an 18-year-old dude from Wyoming.

Poor kid is probably too young to realize that it is his fate to look like a lesbian in photographs for the rest of his life.

Cross-posted from Rick's Cafe Americain.

Also, he was convicted

2006-05-26T10:05:00.000-04:00

I think it is very harsh, on the day that the court pronounced Ken Lay guilty, for them to interview his wife about something so intimate.

The most important audience won't really care. There isn't "good" and "bad" in prison, just "fresh."

BcCo Movie Review: X-MEN III

2006-05-23T10:00:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the First BcCo Movie review.

MOVIE: X-MEN III or X-MEN 3 :The Last Stand

I felt it necessary to do this because of my strong, strong feelings towards a movie that I was lucky enough to have a special screening yesterday.

Ahem.

That was a big steaming pile of turds. That movie hurt my sense of sight. I would have preferred sharp knifes to the eye(and I’ve had something stabbed in my eye, tis not a fun thing) rather than watch this horrible, horrible crap.

Bruce Ratner is dead to me. ( EDIT: I meant Brett Ratner. Bruce Ratner is not on my favorites list but he's not to blame for this debacle. He's to blame for a completely different debacle) DEAD. Not that he was so ALIVE before but oh come on. Bryan Singer worked very hard. I wasn’t a big fan of the first X movie but X-Men 2 was a master piece. I walked around for 20 minutes just trying to rid myself of the excess energy and excitement I had from it. Last night I had to hold the gagging in.

Yes folks I GAGGED.

People, besides an unfinished story they actually had some of the cheesiest lines known to man. There’s a scene where Hugh Jackman(Wolverine) literally looked to the sky and yelled ‘Nooooo!’

I’m not kidding. What the fuck?!!? In Film Making 101 the first thing they say is ‘Hey, um, you probably don’t want to have any character who supposed to be cool look towards the sky and yell no. Unless your doing it to be funny. Cause if its to be funny, then you’re on point. But not be dramatic. No one will find it dramatic. They will actually hate you a little bit for it. So don’t do it.’

Yeah, some said it was for the fans of the books. That’s a lie. Then they blamed it on the fact that fan-boys(real hardcore fans of the book) would dislike it. Sorry, I liked the second movie and I liked Spiderman 2. Not true to the source material at all, but they were just good movies.

This was not. It looked cheap. Who said it? I SAID IT (sorry Michelle) they spent all the money for one particular scene (I will not spoil said scene) and it looked expensive but yet they just painted Frasier Crane blue and glued hair on him. Ugh.

I’m actually disgusted.

Kudos to you Mr. Ratner. If you wanted to create absolute disgusting crap, YOU’VE Succeeded.

Cheers. (When I still liked Frasier.)

Brangelina, Paparazzi Duck Each Other

2006-05-22T12:42:00.000-04:00

British Story Says Couple Will Sell Baby Photo for $4.9 Million

SWAKOPMUND, Namibia (May 18) - Paparazzi gathered in Namibia are pacing the floor like anxious fathers in a maternity ward.

With tabloids predicting the imminent arrival of one of the most famous celebrity babies of the year, Hollywood stars Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt remained almost invisible in their remote Namibian resort, ducking reporters intent on getting a career-making scoop.

4.9 million dollars? For a picture of a baby. If that picture is sold We can officially say goodbye to the human race.

But if their are any orphans left, Brad and Angelina will be sure to adopt them. Ugh. Shoot me.

Look at me with all the black people.

lil Mission Impossible

2006-05-22T10:11:00.000-04:00

I saw Mission Impossible 3 this weekend. I was trying to figure out why most of it takes place in Shanghai. Then it hit me: one of the few places they can find a lot of extras shorter than Tom Cruise.

Pay the police, jackass!

2006-05-19T17:21:00.000-04:00

God damn right! I know I'm going to get a lot of knee jerk reactions with this one, I know a lot of people probably aren't prepared to go to the mat for higher salaries for cops, but just hear me out here. First of all, I know that there is an undeniable amount of racism in the police forces of most metropolitan areas, we all saw Matt Dillon put his hand up Thandie Newton's vagina. However, perhaps we should consider the possibility that it's the low pay and poor working conditions that attracts angry, broke desperate motherfuckers to join the police force. I'm not saying that everybody who joins the force is like that, I'm just saying that if the police force had enough applicants that it could at least afford to be a little bit selective with who it accepts, it might help to weed those personality types out.
Police get paid less than teachers in this city, and teachers in this city get paid just over half what similarly qualified teachers in Long Island get paid. The city's trying to recruit new teachers, doing everything they can think of, short of the one thing that the teachers have very clearly demonstrated that they want: better pay, motherfuckers! The same goes for the military. Anybody who shapes the minds of our nation or puts their lives on the line defending it, either internally or externally should be making enough money to retire comfortably before they're too old to enjoy life in the country they've dedicated their lives to improving.

I know at this point I just sound idealistic, or like an asshole, depending on how you look at it, but I haven't approached the logistical angle yet, I know that. How are we going to come up with the millions and billions it would take to increase salaries all over the country? Legalize marijuana and tax the rich. I know neither of these things will ever happen, but this whole plan is a pipe dream anyway, so just shut up and let me finish.

First, we legalize marijuana. We get to keep all the money we're blowing trying to keep it out of the country in the bank, and we get to tax the shit out of it and keep the tax money for the cops and teachers, and everybody wins. The potheads win because even when it's taxed the pot is still going to be cheaper than it was when it had to be smuggled. The country at large wins because we get better, more dedicated, happier public servants and teachers, leading to a better society, and I win because I managed to argue for the legalization of marijuana and I don't even like the stuff.

Now, if somehow we don't manage to make enough money off the pot and all the money that we can make and save with all the other uses that the hemp plant has (you know, the ones hippies are always talking about, but then you stop listening half way through because they're too stoned to make any sense, and the conversation always ends with "Hemp's just way better, man. The only reason it's illegal is because of a government conspiracy with the oil and paper companies. Have you seen my Thundercats DVD?") see, that's the thing that's really keeping marijuana illegal, hippies, it's not a government conspiracy, it's the fact that all the potheads already agree with you, and all the non-potheads can't stand listening to a stoned person for more than 5 minutes. I know hemp oil would make a great fuel, I know the hemp plant makes better paper than trees, and can be re-grown every year, I know that as far as overall uses go, the hemp plant is one of the most useful, and yet under-utilized plants on the planet, but I'll be honest with you hippies, I'm not surprised for a second that it's still illegal, because I can't stand listening to you people, and I already agree with you.

Anyway, if we don't manage to make enough money there, we tax the rich. Again, I know this is never going to happen, because the rich make the laws, and you don't bite the hand that feeds you, especially if it's your own hand, but let me dream, ok? The first people we tax are celebrities. No longer is there an appearance fee paid to celebrities for going on TRL and Cribs, it's now an appearance tax, and before you ask why the hell anybody would pay money to stand next to Carson Daly or show off their scarface poster, I've got that planned out too: they have to. For every 5 million dollars they get paid for acting, singing, or doing whatever the fuck they're getting overpaid to do, they have to make an appearance on a TV show, and they have to tell the whole country that they just donated $500,000 to the police, teachers, and soldiers' salary fund, they have to say they did it because they believe in the importance of these people, and they have to sound like they mean it. Then, and only then, are they allowed to go buy bling.

I think I started this with a different point in mind than the one I ended up with.

Life Lessons, People

2006-05-16T11:58:00.000-04:00

Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah, under pressure from Islamists, has warned the media against showing pictures of Saudi women.

"There are photographs published in some newspapers ... and one needs to think if he would want his daughter, sister or wife to appear like that. Of course, no one would," the king was quoted as saying at a meeting with newspaper editors late on Monday.

These are pictures of women with their hair covered but their faces exposed. Their faces, not their punanies. And this is what's plaguing Saudi Arabia right now. This is what Saudi fathers worry that their daughters will grow up and do.

And as for the US? Our fathers worry that we'll grow up, get drunk, and end up on their copy of "Girls Gone Wild." Or worse, have daddy issues, and end up on their copy of "Busty Broads Lesbian Gang Bang 13."

And they say we have nothing in common with our brethren in the Middle East....

In other news:

Bears in a Netherlands zoo killed and devoured a monkey in front of horrified visitors. Zookeepers said a bear tried unsuccessfully to shake the monkey loose, ignoring attempts by keepers to distract it. The bear then climbed up and grabbed the monkey, mauling it to death and bringing it to its concrete den, where three bears ate it.

So let me get this straight: People are surprised that animals eat each other. Is the food chain really a new phenomenon? I mean, the animals are housed separately for a reason. We clog up traffic to watch the remains of a gruesome car accident, this isn't any different.

And really, I'm hoping that if your kid is excited to go to the zoo, it's because he's been watching Animal Planet and has some ideas how things work. If not, perhaps it's time for mommy and daddy and read a little Darwin's Survival of the Fittest as the next bedtime story.

This commentary has been brought to you by your friendly blogging vegetarian...

Teen finds baby in plastic Bag.

2006-05-15T09:38:00.000-04:00

(AJC.COM/METRO) A newborn girl was found abandoned in an East Point park Saturday morning by a man cleaning up trash as part of court-ordered community service work.
Authorities are dumbfounded about 2 things.

1) Who in holy hell is the mother.

2) How the baby survived with out being eaten by a dingo.

I feel it can't be too hard to figure out the first reason. The baby was 8 pounds 12 ounces. Look for the 16 year old girl who's vagina is ripped in 2. I was 7 and a half pounds and my mother says they sliced her vag like an extra 7 inches to get me out. I'm assuming having an 8 pound 12 once baby has somebody quite fucked up right now. I'll say this much, she won't be having unprotected sex anytime soon.

Or atleast she definitely won't feel it.

____________________________________________________
Reasons why Elon is going to hell just based on this blog? We're at 2 people.

It's too much.

2006-05-15T09:33:00.000-04:00

So much is happening in the news I can't even think where to begin. I'll be posting all flonkin' day.

Jesus.

Police arrest DJ Star after radio rants

2006-05-13T15:01:00.000-04:00

(Newsday) Troi Torain, better known as the radio host Star, was arrested Friday on charges of harassment and endangering the welfare of a child, the latest fallout from his sexually degrading broadcasts concerning the 4-year-old daughter of a rival radio jock.

WHOA. Rewind. ARRESTED? ARRESTED? Are we going a little bit too far here? Was Star a little over the line when he threatened to pee on a little girl. Yes. Should he have lost his job? It can be argued, but I'm on the line about that. But arrested? You're going to put him in prison for a year for threatening to pee on someone? Has anyone listened to rap music recently? How about some on air interviews? People threaten people all the fricken time. Its in the name of entertainment. Now you may not LIKE the entertainment but to arrest someone for making a comment on air? If he left a message on DJ Envy's answering machine, fine. He'd be wrong. It can be called a crime. But he was on his show entertaining people. I laughed. It was funny. It was incredibly crass and horribly inappropriate but thats why it was funny. Calm down people. We arrest star but we bomb out countries? Of the issues we have STAR is not one of them. Breathe, Stretch, SHAKE.

And didn't R. Kelly actually pee on somebody? Is he in prison? What the FUCK people!?!?!

Cele-pretty

2006-05-13T01:55:00.000-04:00

Two things here on the famous people front. We've got to learn from their example.

NEW YORK (AP +ABC)— Dave Chappelle is still explaining to his wife why he left his Comedy Central show and walked away from a $50 million contract.

"My wife is still a little salty with me," Chappelle joked on NBC's "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" on Wednesday night. "She's not mad at me, but don't think you can walk away from $50 million and your wife is just going to be cool with it."

Mental Note: if I walk away from $50 Million dollars, make sure not to have any relatives.

(Yahoo News) Johnny Depp has the write stuff when it comes to signing autographs while Cameron Diaz is the worst, according to a new list Friday from Autograph Collector magazine.

Depp, followed by George Clooney, topped the magazine's 14th annual survey of Hollywood's best and worst signers. The "Pirates of the Caribbean" star also was rated best last year.

Aw Johnny... you're so sweet to me. Sign right here. And here. And here. And...here. Actually, m not sure if ink should go there
Best
1. Johnny Depp (more like Pirates of the Care-ibbean, or Edward Scissor-heart)
2. George Clooney (always repaying us for that Batman movie)
3. Matt Damon (always repaying us for Ben Affleck's career)
4. Al Pacino (WHO WAAnts one! WHO WAAnts one!)
5. Tom Cruise (however, he has been berated for biting the heads off babies)
6. Angelina Jolie (you'll want to fuck her signature)
7. Elijah Wood (just say something about "North" and he'll hang with you all evening)
8. Brittany Murphy (usually thinks she signing a receipt for cocaine)
9. Jack Nicholson (Heeeeeere's Johnny Hancocky!)
10. Clint Eastwood (How could he not be nice to you after doing a movie with a monkey? But enough about Hilary Swank...)

Worst
1. Cameron Diaz (Oh yeah? Well you got a huge head anyway. Its like a baby's head. Beware of Tom Cruise)
2. Bruce Willis (spits in your face if you look anything like Ashton)
3. Demi Moore (spits on your hoohoo if you look anything like Ashton)
4. Tobey Maguire (He's just ashamed he gotten this far without being able to act. Like an illiterate that gets a PhD - why am I here? I'm a fraud!!)
5. Alan Alda (Et tu, Hawkeye?)
6. Halle Berry (maybe if people didn't say Catwoman negates the Oscar before asking)
7. Winona Ryder (she just keeps the pen...yeah old joke)
8. Teri Hatcher (changes my experience of Lois and Clark I can tell you that)
9. Joaquin Phoenix (Wa-keen is what you should yell, Not JOE-AK-WIN)
10. Russell Crowe (much too busy being a self righteous asshole and all around prick to everyone)

Army Releases Autistic Teen

2006-05-12T13:35:00.000-04:00

(CBS/AP) An 18-year-old Portland man with autism, whose recruitment renewed questions about Army practices, was released Tuesday from his enlistment contract.

Jared Guinther signed up for one of the Army's most dangerous jobs, cavalry scout, after being heavily recruited. He passed medical and other examinations. He was scheduled to leave for basic training in August.

I believe there might be some inappropriate recruiting practices, but this one I'm gonna side with the ARMY Recruiters. You gotta watch video of this dude. He's chill, but he's not all fucked up. He takes martial arts. MARTIAL ARTS! If you can take martial arts and go to college then you can go to the Military. I don't want to go to the army. If dude wants to go, GO. March Forth. Be all you can be. Army of one bitches.

I'm going to hell aren't I?

Power 105 DJ fired over remarks

2006-05-11T12:28:00.000-04:00

A DJ for hip-hop station Power 105 was fired Wednesday after being accused of threatening a rival's wife and 4-year-old daughter over the airwaves.

The "DJ" in question is STAR from the popular STAR and BUCWILD show here in NYC and actually, he seems to be syndicated a lot of places. But what was star's exact words?

"Yes, I disrespected your seed. If you didn't hear me, I said, I would like to do an R. Kelly on your seed, on your little baby girl. I would like to tinkle on her,"

Thats messed up. Thats kinda' wrong. I mean...I think...its wrong. I'm not sure though. We have a lot of ways to interpet this. Yes, the cut and dry is that he wants to R. Kelly the kid. But what that could mean varies depending on your description of R. Kellying. Maybe he wants to sing incoherent love songs to her. Or, maybe he wants to dress her up like Robin and give her corn rolls? Maybe he wants her to act out chapters 1 - 6 on MTV of a crazy song about being in some closet. Maybe he wants her to claim some dude has a gun in the audience and run away from performing and then get into a beef with Jay Z.

See, theres lots of ways to interpet this.

As for the tinkling part.

Tin·kle (tĭng'kel)
v., -kled, -kling, -kles.

To make light metallic sounds, as those of a small bell.

See, thats not sooo bad right? He just wants to make light metallic sounds, as those of a small bell on to his rivals four year old daughter. Tis all!

...

Fine. He threatened to pee on her. Pee is not soo bad right? You do it for jellyfish right?

I'm out.

The MTA: less fiscally responsible than my 5 year-old nephew.

2006-05-11T08:48:00.000-04:00

My nephew gets an allowance of two dollars a week. He knows that if he buys candy after school on monday and tuesday, he will not have any money left for anything for the rest of the week. My nephew has a better understanding of his finances than the MTA does.

I moved to NY three years ago, just shortly after fares had been raised from $1.50 to $2.00. Just about a year later, they raised the price of the weekly and monthly cards because they said they needed more money.

Then, after raising the price, Holy shit! They had more money! So what did they decide to do with this surplus? Put it into savings so they wouldn't have to raise fares again anytime soon? Lower prices again? Perhaps hire more people to hose the urine out of the trains? No, they decided on HOLIDAY METROCARDS! Hooray, something that not a single New Yorker will really benefit from! Holiday Metrocards were justified as a means of increasing tourism.

WE NEED MORE TOURISTS? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THIS IS NEW YORK FUCKING CITY! Ohio needs programs to increase tourism. Nicaragua needs programs to increase tourism. There's never going to be somebody out there thinking "Man, I'd like to go to a major US metropolitan center for vacation, but I just can't think of one."

So, you figure, surely they must have reviewed their finances before getting into the holiday metrocard program, and their finances should all be in order now. But now, as much as it boggles the mind, I find out that they were planning another rate hike next year. Less than six months after they blew however much that surplus was on that jagoff idea, and they're planning on jacking up the price again, only to find that now they're going to have a $533 million surplus this year. I just can't wait to see what we're giving the tourists for Christmas this year.

My plan: I'm riding my bike. It's generally faster, better for me, and I never have to stand in another man's armpit while being preached to about Jesus and asked for money by a one-legged deaf midget.

Fresh Fish

2006-05-10T16:49:00.001-04:00

A British hacker, the charming gent with the large forehead pictured above, is facing extradition proceedings on charges that he hacked into US military computers, and created the biggest security violation in US military history.

What was he looking for? Was he perhaps just trying to play a new video game, Wargames style? Something more sinister? Is he a member of a terrorist organization trying to subvert the US military? Oh no, it's much better than that.

He was looking for proof of aliens.

This jagoff managed to gain total access to our defense systems, and all he does is look for fucking aliens? He couldn't do just one fun thing while he was in there, like re-write the armed forces basic training manual so Green Beret training involves sharing a bed with another dude, or make it so they have to hold hands all the way through the obstacle course? This guy's now facing 70 years if he's convicted in a US court. This is a federal offense, he's going to the serious hard-core ass-pounding prison, and how long do you think it's going to take for him to become somebody's bitch once they find out he's in for looking for fucking ET?

My advice: get "Fresh Fish" tatooed on your ass now by a professional, to avoid having it done on the inside by a big guy named Tiny with a dirty sharpened toothbrush.

Trainer : Blaine had convulsions, was unconscious

2006-05-10T15:34:00.000-04:00

NEW YORK -- David Blaine was having convulsions and was unconscious when he was rescued from his 8-foot aquarium during a breath-holding stunt, his trainer and doctor said Tuesday."I wasn't focused on records; I was thinking of a rescue," said the trainer, Kirk Krack, a free-diving expert.

Its been a little while since I've written anything on here so let me make my come back post a sweet and gentle one.

David Blaine is an Asshole.

What...the FUCK is his deal? What the hell is wrong with the media for covering this. Why? Why are we, this stupid that stunts like this will allow for media attention and possible large cash payouts...

Um...

I'd like to take this time to announce that in 1 month I will be performing standup comedy...er...underwater...for 10 days. It'll be a lot of crowd work, since well...I don't have ten days worth of material. But it'll be amazing.

Where's my checks?

Invest wisely

2006-05-09T17:35:00.000-04:00

Charles Barkley recently claimed that he has lost over $10 million gambling.

I don't know where he is gambling now but if he wants to make the money back, he should start betting against Jordan.

Sorry, the judge already called no takebacks

2006-05-08T17:26:00.000-04:00

March 27, 2006:

Moussaoui denied he was to have been a fifth hijacker on United Airlines Flight 93, which four al Qaeda hijackers flew into a Pennsylvania field on Sept. 11 — the so-called missing 20th hijacker. But he quickly added that he was part of the 9/11 operation, ordered to pilot a fifth jetliner into the White House. He said Reid was the only person he knew for sure would have been on that mission, but others were discussed.

May 4, 2006:

The panel of nine men and three women deliberated for 41 hours over a week before concluding that the 37-year-old French citizen was only a minor player in the most deadly assault ever on U.S. soil, and that he deserved life in prison rather than death. ...
"America, you lost!" the husky terrorist called out later as he was led from the courtroom. "I won."

May 8, 2006:

Zacarias Moussaoui has said he lied on the stand about being involved in 9/11, and he has asked to withdraw his guilty plea.

Boy, that sweet taste of victory soured in a hurry, eh? Good luck with that appeal, Zach. In the meantime, enjoy the solitude while you think about phase 2 of the Master Plan To Bring Down America.

And please stop crying. You sound like a pussy and Allah is ashamed.

Via Dawn Summers

Baby? One more time?

2006-05-08T02:13:00.000-04:00

Oops! She's done it again! My girl Britney is having Puerto Ricans twins! That's right, I said it. Puerto Rican Twins. She's pregnant before her first baby's even one year old. Parade anyone? Mind you, this usually happens when young mothers leave the hospital, after just giving birth. They're supa freaky fertile. Leaving the hospital pregnant after just giving birth! Like if their coochy was like Netflix or some shit. Yikes. I catch a cramp just thinkin' about it. Brit & baby daddy, 'K-fed', are supa excited. Shit, at least one of them can afford it. And after all, having a baby this year in Hollywood IS the 'new black'. I just love happy endings, don't you?
In fact, don't answer that.

'Lost' Star Rodriguez Jailed for Drunk Driving

2006-04-26T14:04:00.000-04:00

LOS ANGELES (April 26) - "Lost" star Michelle Rodriguez has surrendered to authorities to begin a five-day jail sentence for drunken driving.

Rodriguez, who portrays police officer Ana Lucia, opted for jail time and a $500 fine rather than 240 hours of community service.

If I wasn't afraid of Michelle Rodriguez before, I am TOTALLY afraid now.

This chick chose prison. PRISON. You may be in out in like 120 hours but its fucking prison. You have to kinda be badass to be like 'Fuck it. Let's go.' I know big dudes who wouldn't choose prison. I'm a big dude and I wouldn't choose prison. As I've said before, you guys see big stocky black guy. In prison? Im VOLUPTOUS.

jesus.

In case you didn't know.

2006-04-26T06:25:00.000-04:00

This is what happens when you read to many free magazines on the subway and drink way too much Starbucks.

Tom Cruise has probably had the biggest week of his life. He has been promoting the premiere of his new baby, Mission Impossible 3, which is set to debut in Europe the beginning of May. Cruise, who has also starred in Mission Impossible and Mission Impossible 2, will play an agent fleeing from government assassins, again, for the 3rd time. Tom promises an action packed movie with very little dialogue, because, if it ain't broke! Can’t wait. However, Tom’s real life impossible mission was leaving his newborn baby daughter, and Mom, Katie Holmes, to promote the movie. The baby's name? - Sorry. I mean Suri. Which is Hebrew for Sorry.

Nick Lachey wishes the public would respect his privacy while he’s going thru this difficult time, which is why he’s filming a reality show documenting the process. Lachey says he over the initial shock of his divorce, and has put the past behind him. He wants his fans to know that his new single “What’s left of me” has nothing to do with his divorce, and neither does the other 10 songs about Jessica on the album. In a recent interview, Nick reveals he was told about his divorce, as was Jessica. Insiders say when Jessica heard about the divorce she said, “What do you mean?” “No, I don’t understand, what do you mean?”

Rebecca Romijn, who portrays a trendy and hip reporter on WB’s “Pepper Dennis”, was deemed “TV’s Most Stylish Star” by Us Weekly Magazine, and “TV’s Hottest Fashion Icon” by “Extra”. Congratulations Beks! I’m sure those recognitions have nothing to do with the fact that you're 6’2, blonde, and a former model. Hope that works out.

A producer from the Maury Povich Show has accused Maury Povich and several crew members of sexual harassment! According to the Associated Press the alleged victim claims “She was ordered to wear sexually provocative clothing, pose in sexually explicit positions, expose her breast and watch pornography.” Damn. Our Christmas parties at my job are never that hot. Representatives for Maury are denying the allegations and will continue their regular tape schedule this week. Thank gawd, because I don't know what I'd do if I didn't know who da daddy is!

Can't wait till next week. Is any of this true?

Bin Laden Wants Prophet Mohammad Cartoon Offenders Killed

2006-04-24T15:39:00.000-04:00

Dubai, UAE (AHN) - Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden said in an audio tape aired by Al Jazeera that people who ridiculed the Prophet Mohammad were to be killed.
The remarks came over the cartoons, which a Danish newspaper published last year, that outraged Muslims all over the world, who consider drawings of the Prophet to be profane.

Yeah. You know who I think should be killed. Dude who was all for 9/11 and is calling for more attacks on civillians in the same fricken tape. Someone shoot this guy! Please. I can only take but so much more of this before I have to take a helicopter over (yes, I know a helicopter wouldn't make the trip but I'm trying to be DRAMATIC) and dish out some street justice myself. There are few people who before I even hear what they're saying I'm like 'Shut up.' Bin Laden. On that list.

An ironically, so is George Dubya.

Strange.

Station catches McKinney bad-mouthing staffer

2006-04-24T15:34:00.000-04:00

ATLANTA - Rep. Cynthia McKinney was caught on tape by a television station bad-mouthing a senior staffer after ending an interview with a reporter.

“Oh crap now you know what. ...,” said an irritated McKinney, D-Ga., “they lied to Coz and Coz is a fool.”

Now if you can recall, just a few weeks ago I kinda made fun of McKinney. She is not my favorite congress person in the world. But come on people. Sometimes people are fools. What? Are we not allowed to call someone a fool if the person is a fool?

I know lots of people who are nice, sweet, and overall a good person. But they are foolish. I would call them a fool in a heartbeat. This shouldn't be news. McKinney's hair? Thats news. Her punching a capital hill officer? Thats news. Her calling someone a fool cause they were a fool? Not really news.

C.I.A. Fires Senior Officer Over Leaks

2006-04-22T13:33:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON, April 21 — The Central Intelligence Agency has dismissed a senior career officer for disclosing classified information to reporters, including material for Pulitzer Prize-winning articles in The Washington Post about the agency's secret overseas prisons for terror suspects, intelligence officials said Friday.

The dismissal of Ms. McCarthy provided fresh evidence of the Bush administration's determined efforts to stanch leaks of classified information.

Except when Bush decides to leak information. Then its not leaking. It's Declassification.

Get it straight people. Get. It. Straight.

Protests Mount as Nepal Parties Reject King's Bid

2006-04-22T13:22:00.000-04:00

KATMANDU, Nepal, April 22 — Neither curfew, tear gas, nor King Gyanendra's offer to give up control of the state stemmed the fury of his subjects on Saturday, as protesters, for the first time in 17 days of demonstrations, broke through police lines to pierce the ancient heart of the city, reaching within a few blocks of Narayanhiti Palace.

Hey Nepal type people. Your getting the shit beat out of you. He's handing over control of the state. STOP GETTING THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU. Come ON! Now all the countries are all like looking around at each other confused. The US and Britain, and the EUROPEAN UNION are all 'Uh, dude, I think you guys kinda win. Just stop the riots.' The Nepal people are like 'FUCK THAT, WE WANT IT EXACTLY AS WE SAID BITCHES. We'll BLEED, we'll GET GASSED, We'll SET SHIT ON FIRE.'

Somebody go to talk to them. Please.

Report: 'Star Trek' set for '08 revival

2006-04-21T10:17:00.000-04:00

(There was a picture of The Cast of Star Trek. The google images picked it up and I hate that. Sorry folks looking for that picture. Hope all is well with you.)

LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) -- More than three years after the last "Star Trek" movie crashed at the box office, the venerable sci-fi franchise is being revived by the director of the upcoming "Mission: Impossible" sequel, Daily Variety reported in its Friday edition

It seems the movie is drawing protest and concerns already because of a scene in which a No'kwark, a Klingon animal very similar to a earth horse, is beaten over and over and over.

And over.

The studios have no comment.

On a field of green

2006-04-21T10:03:00.000-04:00

After 103 years of peanuts, Cracker Jack and pennants, the Yankees have reached a new plateau in their business empire.The Bronx Bombers are billionaires - with a "b" - leaving them undisputed champs off the field, even though they have not won it all on the field since taking the 2000 Subway Series against the Mets.

No wonder they don't win anymore. You don't need to win when your worth that much money. You just go and stare at your money. Like "Hey, money! How's it going? Me? I'm fine now that I'm staring at you. What? Shouldn't I be winning baseball games? Ha! Thats silly. I have you. I don't need to win."

$$$Ka-Ching$$$

Feds Warn Companies Using Illegal Workers

2006-04-21T09:48:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON -- The government plans to crack down ever harder on employers who harbor and hire illegal immigrants, pursuing companies that ignore the law so they can exploit cheap labor.
"We are going to move beyond the current level of activity to a higher level in each month and year to come," Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said Thursday. He pledged to "come down as hard as possible" on violators.

Hey HOMELAND SECURITY GUY, why not, I dunno, SECURE THE HOMELAND instead of worrying about some migrant workers. I'd wrather have a mexican deliver food to me than being blown up. Really.

More than half of the company's roughly 5,800 employees during 2005 had invalid or mismatched Social Security numbers, the government alleges. The case began after officials got a tip that IFCO workers in Guilderland, N.Y. were seen ripping up their W-2 forms because they did not intend to file tax returns, Chertoff said.

Hey STUPID ILLEGAL WORKERS. If your going to work illegally and not pay taxes, then maybe you shouldn't rip up your W-2 FORMS IN FRONT OF PEOPLE! Your illegal! Don't do things to draw attention to your illegal ASS.

lord.

Better Sex Through Gender Equality?

2006-04-20T14:17:00.000-04:00

(AP) Japanese adults can't get enough satisfaction, but Austria's mojo is working.

Sex is more satisfying in countries where women and men are considered equal, according to an international study of people between the ages of 40 and 80 by researchers at the University of Chicago.

That seems it should go with out saying.

In countries where the sexes aren't equal 1) Men have a lot more sex cause the women can't really argue, and 2) Its a lot faster cause the women can't really argue.

Here in the states and other more equal minded countries, women are the gate keepers of the Vag, and men are normally just so fricken excited to get it they're happy, and they really want to KEEP getting it so they're willing to work to make the women happy.

I coulda told you that with OUT any international study.

In grand gesture, Trump donates parkland to state

2006-04-20T11:11:00.000-04:00

PUTNAM VALLEY — Billionaire developer Donald Trump can find the financial upside in any transaction, even if it's not for him.

Amid a gaggle of elected officials and media yesterday, the star of TV's "The Apprentice" paused after announcing his donation of 436 acres for a new state park and spoke with a neighbor of the land.

"Well, enjoy it, OK," Trump told Christine Sisler, who lives on Indian Hill Road. "Your house just became more valuable."

Later reports indicated that they're seems to be some sort of issue with certain areas of the land. Grass won't grow there, so in an effort to maintain its look, park keepers will grow other parts of the grass really really tall and kinda comb it over the baren parts so that it won't be so noticiable.

...

I'm ashamed of myself for that one.

By the way the 'Your house just became more valuable' line? Really? Do you have to be that much of a dick?

Yahoo 'squeals' on Chinese dissident

2006-04-20T10:59:00.000-04:00

Beijing: Yahoo Inc. turned over one of its users' draft e-mails to Chinese authorities, who used the information to jail the account holder on subversion charges, a rights group said on Thursday.

It was the third time the U.S.-based Internet company has been accused of helping to put a Chinese user in prison.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. The email wasn't even SENT? It was drafted? Just written and then drafted?

Do you know how much shit I'd be in if I was arrested for email's I've written and then saved as draft but never sent? You can't Arrest someone, and JAIL them for a draft!

Whats up with YAHOO!?!? I call for a boycott of all Yahoo's shit. ALL OF IT.

Wait...um...didn't they recently buy Flickr?

I host all the graphics you see here on that site.

Ahem...er...Maybe Yahoo isn't so bad. I mean, sure a man is going to prison for trying to bring democracy to his comunist ridden country, but really. Is that enough of a reason for me to have to look for new image hosting?

Gonna....um...go...over...here.....

White House shake-up touches McClellan, Rove

2006-04-20T10:47:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- A shake-up in U.S. President George W. Bush's administration widened Wednesday as White House press secretary Scott McClellan announced his resignation and a senior administration official said longtime Bush confidant Karl Rove will no longer oversee policy development.

...Rove -- the powerful architect of Bush's two presidential campaigns -- a senior White House official told CNN that Rove will no longer focus on policy..."

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convicing the world he didnt exist.
- Keyser Soze

No really. I'm not doing policy. Seriously. I'm really not.

Indeed.

Transsexual flipped over will, sez mom

2006-04-19T11:15:00.000-04:00

A trust-fund transsexual was branded a brute yesterday by her elderly millionairess mother - who claimed her son-turned-daughter broke her arm in a fight over money.

Er...Um...Well...

This feels like I'm being set up. Like really? Trustfund Transexual?

First of all. There's no 'Son-turned-daughter' in this. Theres just here really really strange son.

'But Elon, he had the surgery so he's a woman!'

No. He's not. He's a dude. He's a dude who cut off his penis. Which by the way I couldnt give a rats ass about. You wanna cut your penis off, fine. go for it. Do what you feel is best for you. But I do NOT have to refer to you as chick.

And are you kidding me? Are trustfunders now getting to the point that if they dont get the money they want they will beat the shit out of their parents? And in this case, an incredibly understanding parent(she refers to the dude as her daughter)

He's on misdemeanor charges. For breaking his mothers arm about inheritance. I think we should turn him back into a dude. That'll teach him. 'Oh, you wanna rough up your Mama? Fine. Now you go back to normal. How you like dem apples.'

Sidenote: One of the titles of the articles about this was called 'Tranny Vs. Granny' You gotta love that.

Justices rebuff two held at Gitmo

2006-04-18T11:27:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court on Monday turned down a longshot appeal filed on behalf of two Chinese Muslims being held at Guantánamo Bay while the U.S. government tries to find a country to take them.

A federal judge said the detention of the ethnic Uighurs at the military prison in Cuba was unlawful but there was nothing courts could do. Without comment, the justices declined to consider an unusual direct appeal of that decision.

Are you saying that OUR GOVERNMENT said 'Hey, what the U.S is doing is WRONG. But, oh well.' Is ANYONE paying attention? Anyone?

The military agrees that Abu Bakker Qassim and A'Del Abdu al-Hakim should be freed after more than four years in U.S. custody.

What? The MILITARY? The flonkin' MILITARY says they should be free? Why in holy hell are we holding them? What? Is it too much paper work? To FREE innocent people? Where's my soapbox...

The military decided last year that the two men were not enemy combatants. The standard procedure is to send those people home. But Qassim and al-Hakim could not be returned to China because the United States suspects they would be tortured or killed.

So...we keep them in Guantánamo Bay?!?!? Send them SOMEWHERE ELSE? Maybe send them back to where you PICKED THEM UP you asses. Weren't they '...captured in 2001 in Pakistan,'

Lawyers for the two contend they could be released into America. The Bush administration opposes that.

YOU CANT OPPOSE IT! YOU CAPTURED THEM! AND YOU WERE WRONG! They've been in prison for like 4 or 5 years, I think the least we can do is to give them asylum here. The administration is probably terrified that they've just pissed off some muslims who now, really don't like America and probably would be down with some vengence. Kinda what happens if you lock someone up for 5 years for no good reason

Im done.

Cardinal Egan: Jesus theories 'science fiction'

2006-04-17T01:36:00.000-04:00

Cardinal Egan

Jesus
(Or so the germans would have us believe)

It seems that you shouldn't mess with a mans religion. A pissed off Egan took the pullpit this past Sunday and let loose calling all recent ideas about Judas and Jesus is pure science fiction.

Not Jesus himself. The stories that don't conincide with the idea of Jesus the church currently has is fiction.

Science Fiction.

Did Egan actually think this one through. Like really? If I was a bible guy I would never EVER say the words science ficition and Jesus in the same sentence. I'd never want people thinking like that.

Can you really argue with a straight face 'Jesus, the son of GOD is real. Cylons, from battlestar Galatica? Science Fiction. Thats just RIDICULOUS. Robots running around looking like humans. Now GOD taking human form and performing miracles. Dying for sins of humanity? Absolutely reasonable.'

Man. If there is a hell, start packing my shit now.

ejw

Rev. Al sad for NYU student kin

2006-04-17T01:12:00.000-04:00

April 17th, 2006 - The NY Daily News - The Rev. Al Sharpton offered condolences yesterday to the family of an NYU student allegedly chased to his death by teens in Harlem, but he disputed that he or the community had downplayed the incident.

"What I am disturbed at is the false depiction that this community did not give any kind of condolence or support to the family - [and] second, the characterizing of these young men as 'wolf packs,'" Sharpton said at a Harlem news conference.

"If they are guilty, they ought to face the system. But we didn't call people 'wolf packs' in Howard Beach last year or 19 years ago," Sharpton added, referring to violent incidents in Queens where the victims were black and the suspects white.

Er...quick thoughts on this.

1) Soon as I saw Rev. Al in the title I rolled my eyes. Please shut up. Please.

2) Calling a group of thugs who chased a man to his death a wolf pack? Kinda nice. I'd call them something way way worst if my son or daughter, or ANY family member or friend died because of this.

3) Isn't this the same guy who when heard those punks said white boy he was like "If in fact racial language was used, this also must be denounced by the entire civil rights community."

Denounced yes. Just dont call them a wolf pack. Thats when you've gone too far.

*eyes-a-rolling*

Guess who isn't tenure track anymore

2006-04-15T19:38:00.000-04:00

A community college professor is in hot water for including the following question on a math test:

Condoleezza holds a watermelon just over the edge of the roof of the 300 foot Federal Building, and tosses it up with a velocity of 20 feet per second. The height of the watermelon above the ground t seconds later is given by formula h = -16t^2 +20t + 300. How much fried chicken can Condoleezza eat before the watermelon crashes on the ground, allowing her to scavenge for delicious melon?

OK, I admit that I made up the last part. I wonder if the professor is going to defend him/herself by saying that it wasn't racist because "Condoleezza" was throwing the watermelon away.

Immigration activists want national boycott day

2006-04-14T11:52:00.000-04:00

"Buoyed by a massive immigration rally earlier this week, activists are calling on New Yorkers -- especially undocumented workers -- to join in a nationwide economic boycott May 1."

Meaning no shopping, going to school, or work.

Er...you mean they're asking for a job walkout for people who a lot of can't even work here legally? And a day out of school? You mean that free school your getting from the US?

I see. Carry on.

Iran celebrates uranium enrichment

2006-04-12T14:45:00.000-04:00

"Iran's announcement that it has "joined the club of nuclear countries" by successfully enriching a small amount of uranium may have more political than technical importance, U.S. nuclear experts said Tuesday, but it signifies that the country has not wavered in its determination to defy the international community and develop a nuclear capability."

I have a question. If I were doing something that I knew was pissing off a lot of people(i.e. The fricken U.N) why would I make announcements that I am continuing to do the thing thats pissing everyone off? An announcement? Think Iran THINK! Havent you been listening? America is considering NUKES! I'd keep my flippin' mouth shut. Bush is crazy, he would do it. And yell 'Yeehaw' as its on its way to incenerate yo ass.

And I have another question...

Why would you take this picture with your enriched uranium?(not a joke, see it here) Is that a dove? Did they loose doves in this celebration?

T-50 years folks. Earth is going down in fiery ball of hell. Not because of the nukes. Just because of this picture.

Judges Set Hurdles for Lethal Injection

2006-04-12T14:28:00.000-04:00

Judges in several states have started to put up potentially insurmountable roadblocks to the use of lethal injections to execute condemned inmates.

Their decisions are based on new evidence suggesting that prisoners have endured agonizing executions.

Ahem. Uh...um...

I'm not a proponent of the death penalty. I'm not exactly against it, but Im not waving my 'Kill'em' flag either. But if we're gonna kill somebody why do we care if it hurts?

Obviously if they're being KILLED by the GOVERNMENT that means that they did something so horrible, so terrible, so completley unforgivable that we have to kill them(Yes I know there are mistakes made, but in this argument we have to go with the idea that the person did IN FACT do the crime and the proper action is execution). A little pain before you go shouldn't be enough to stop the death! Quite frankly I think in certain circumstances it should be the requirement. Someone who rapes a woman, tortures her, then dumps her naked body in a dumpster somewhere deserves a little pain before he dies.

But maybe not by that syringe up above. That just looks dirty. Where'd I find that stupid picture?

Seeking Ancestry in DNA Ties Uncovered by Tests

2006-04-12T13:52:00.000-04:00

Would you believe that people are trying to 'CSI' themselves?

It seems that people, not in the hopes of understanding the famlies and their own place in life, but in order to get some of that happening minority college money, are starting to take DNA tests to see what might be on their DNA strand.

Are ya kidding me White people? Can us minorities atleast have Minority funding?

This guy to the left wanted to try to claim minority because of his 11% North African-ness and his 9 percent indian-ness. Yes. The white guy. That white guy right there(I'm afraid to say white boy, because everyone is losing their shit now a days.)

I find this distressing.

First of all, I need to understand this genitic test. How in hell does it say the exact place the dna is from? North African DNA is that specific? Really? North African? Not just African, or lets say BLACK? Could it be like a North African guy who was white? Then what. Does white guy here qualify for aid? DOES HE?

Okay. I'm not that outraged. I just really was bored with the paper today. Yes its silly for him to get aid, but not enough for the capital letters.

Cop shot ex-cop husband, police say

2006-04-11T17:08:00.000-04:00

http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/407872p-345250c.html

"A retired city police officer sitting in his car in Brooklyn early Monday was shot and seriously wounded by his wife, an active city cop who drove up to her husband's car and fired a barrage of bullets, officials said."

What?! Wait. It gets better.

"...She quickly made a U-turn and fired several more rounds from the driver's side..."

This retired cop guy Todd Jamison was cheating on his wife that he just married in October with a woman he met in December. Ooooh, Ooooh, I have a question. How dumb do you have to be to cheat on your wife when its legal for her to carry a gun? I smell an award people.

The "Why so...Stupid?" Award goes to Todd Jamison. Your wife was wrong for shooting you, but really? Did ya think cheating on your wife of 7 months was smart? Specially because SHE HAS A GUN!

Idiot.

Dudes aren't even trying

2006-04-11T11:07:00.000-04:00

Peter King (R - NY) introduced a bill making being an illegal alien a felony. Mayor Bloomberg ("R") mocked him, saying "We're not going to deport 12 million people, so let's stop this fiction." But yesterday, there were rallies all around the country to protest the bills.

Millions of illegals speaking hundreds of languages like the Tower of Babel, all in one place in each city! This was the new immigration law lover's big chance! Get the paddy wagons and tazers! Round 'em up and ship 'em out. Restore a little old-fashioned law and order! What did they do?

Nothing.

Pussies.

Bias Ruled Out in the Death of NYU Student

2006-04-10T11:12:00.000-04:00

http://www.nysun.com/article/30676

Recently, NYU Student Broderick Hehman was killed during an attack by 5 Black youths (between the ages of 13 and 15). He was chased and then was hit by a Mercedes Benz(silver) There was reports of the kids yelling 'get the white boy' which all of a sudden threw race into the mix. The police have decided that it was NOT a racial slur, it was just a description.

Norman Seigel and Eric Adams Disagree

Former Dir NYCLU Leader of 100 Blacks in Law Enforcment

Seigel is comparing this to the infamous 1986 Howard Beach case. His arguement is that the only real difference is that in 1 it was whites chasing blacks and in this its blacks chasing whites.

This is incredibly stupid.

In the Howard beach case there was about 10 white guys with BATS waiting for the blacks coming out of a Pizza shop. They then beat the 2 they could catch and then chased the other one until he was hit by the car. There wasn't any robbery. Guys were yelling 'Kill the Niggers' and then were trying to do so. In the current Harlem situation 5 really dumb ass black kids was trying to rob a white boy and in coordinating their attack reffered to him as a white boy.

Fact is, its different for whites and blacks. White guys saying kill them nigga's is different from black guys saying it. White boys are reffered to as white boys regularly. Am I being racist right now by using the term white boy? Of course not. Thats stupid. So I'm very confused at why Mr. Seigel and Mr. Adams are so adamant about this being a race crime.

It seems like its not so much about this crime as it is about whether or not it will set a precedent that these 2 fear would hurt other cases. In the future will somone try to use a case like this in defense of another crime where race is called out?

Don't know. But don't bring race here where it doesn't belong.

"Hey Elon, what if they said 'Get the black boy', would that be a racial crime?"

I'd argue that it is. Black boy is never a term used in jest or as a term of endearment(as white boy sometimes is). Its purely negative. It harkens back to the days of slavery and jim crow where a grown black man would be reffered to as 'boy' by his boss or master.

Man, this is heavy. I should go back to making fun of Hillary.

Hecklers interrupt Sen. Clinton at Brown University

2006-04-10T10:49:00.000-04:00

And here I thought only comics have to deal with hecklers. But see, Hillary didn't really deal with them.

"...Despite the heckling, Clinton did not stop her speech,..."

Didnt stop? DIDN'T STOP?!?! You HAVE to stop. Deal with these bizatches. Call out the elephant in the room. Now people are gonna go around heckling her just because they can. Do you think anyone paid attention to the rest of her speech? Nope. She lost the crowd people. Bill, have you taught her nothing? If Hillary wants to win the audience she has to come up with better comebacks than...well...nothing.

Possible Comebacks for Hillary

Yeah, I voted for the war, but your ugly. So who really loses?
My husband fucked a fat chick. Your comments? Not really phasing me.
When I become president, my first order of business is to erase you and your family. What? Now you wanna be quiet? Thought so.
Why are you bothering me at my job? I don't come to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth.

HiHOOOOO!

My Grillz

2006-04-07T15:37:00.000-04:00

TACOMA, Washington (AP) -- Government lawyers tried to remove and confiscate the gold dental work known as "grills" or "grillz" from the mouths of two men facing drug charges.

Apparently it's standard procedure to seize assets in order to prevent suspects from trying to move or hide valuables or evidence. And the lawyers thought the grills snapped out like a retainer, which some, but not all grills do.

Now, maybe these guys aren't subscribers to Vibe magazine, thus they are not down with the most current way rappers spend their insane incomes, but assuming all that money just pops out of the suspect's mouth seems a bit silly to me. I mean, if I'm investing thousands of dollars in my mouth jewelry, you better believe that no one is going to be snag those things out of my mouth when I'm sleeping!

The suspects were apparently in a car on the way to the dentist when they called their lawyers to try and stop the seizure. And my favorite part was the lawyer's statement:

"It sounds like Nazi Germany when they were removing the gold teeth from the bodies, but at least then they waited until they were dead," Richard J. Troberman, a forfeiture specialist and past president of the Washington Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers, said.

Hmmm. Aren't we being a little dramatic, Mr. Troberman? Sure, the seizure seems a bit extreme, but we’re talking about them seizing jewelry: it’s not like they’re taking the suspects’ braces or glass eye or fake leg.

I just don’t get it. Some people are going to the dentist and getting their retirement policy welded into their teeth, and I’m afraid to go to the dentist at all.

The BcCo first ever "Why So...?" Award!

2006-04-07T11:05:00.000-04:00

Yeah, other blogs and websites hand out weekly awards. Some TV shows are based around the idea.

2 words for ya. Suck it. We're doing it anyway.

Ahem.

This weeks award goes to the family of the dirty cops who were found guilty of being...er...dirty cops. (http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/406516p-344215c.html)

"Why so...dramatic?"

Really? Were you really that shocked Pops got sent to prison. You had a fricken mafia lawyer! Bruce Cutler's(That's right. Gotti's laywer) opening arguments had him rambling on about the good ol' days when tough guys where tough guys and they didn't go around SNITCHING. He worked for the GAMBINOS!

"The decorated officers, who met at police academy in 1969 and spent a combined 44 years on the force before retiring to the same street in Las Vegas, rubbed their faces and stared at the jury as it handed down its verdict. Eppolito’s family wept." - Times Online UK

Weeping? Weeping? Come the fuck on. Question: Why are these crime dudes staring at the jury so hard? Maybe the prosecution wasnt crazy when they wanted the jurors to be anonymous.

"Dad, this is not over," Eppolito's other daughter Deanna yelled out as her father and Caracappa were led away. - Newsday

That sounded like a threat. I'm a little scared. Have you seen Eppolito's family? They look like they could easily be their own made for HBO mobster show.

"You mess with our father. We mess with you."

"The Eppolitos" (photo credit: Newsday)

Yeah. Ya know what. I'm gonna stop now. I don't feel safe.

What do we want? JUSTICE

2006-04-07T04:00:00.000-04:00

I don't usually do this sort of thing, but ... (In response to >>this<<)

Charles's Jewish Moment

My Hebrew brothers have a protest in Brooklyn and the police lose their minds. Arresting an 85 year old man just because he is too addled and self-absorbed to hang up his phone when a police car responding to an emergency tried to make him go at a green light. Arresting people for trying to warm up on a cold, cold day. Making comments that are arguably anti-semitic.

Let me be clear: I know black people. And if that happened to a black person, Sharpton would have been down there before the embers cooled. What did we get? Dov Hikind. Like anyone knows who he is. Hmmmph.

We better get a fucking apology and quick. Tax returns are due in less than two weeks and there are some law enforcement officers who are going to need a Jew to help them figure out how to declare income from cocaine sold out of the back of the evidence room.

Hassidim Lose their shit. Then demand apology?

2006-04-07T03:01:00.000-04:00

Man. Let this one slip past me.

Bay Ridge, Brooklyn(BcCo) - April 6, 2006. After a 75 year old Hasidic Jew was arrested for driving while on his cell phone, all hell breaks loose in Brooklyn. The Hassidm then, after setting shit on fire and surrounding a fricken police station demand an apology because an officer was supposidly heard saying 'Get these fucking jews out of here!'

This is why I'm not allowed to write news articles. It would be very similar to what I've written above.

Okay. Let me throw up my badge of invulnerability. I'm currently dating a nice jewish girl from Lower Merion, Pa.

Ahem.

What...the FUCK. First of all. They've been arguing that this wasn't a riot. It wasn't especially violent, hence not a riot. Yes, they set shit on fire. Yes ,they surrounded the police station. Yes, cops in RIOT gear was all on call. Yes, a news source originating in JERUSELEM called it a riot. But no. Not a riot. Not a riot at all. Matter a fact, lets see some of these non riot pics.

Pictures of something thats NOT a riot.

Elon's Black Moment (When Elon speaks from his blackness. Logic not always needed)
I bet if it was a bunch of black folks out there setting shit on fire and surrounding the police station and, oh yeah SETTING SHIT ON FIRE (as the J-Post claims) it would have been called a fricken riot. The Hassidim do it? Just a protest. And the 75 year old dude said they didn't even beat him. THEY DIDN'T BEAT HIM!!! Whats up with that? Muthafucka's where's our reparations?

Okay. I'm black...er...back.

Yeah.

"This community has been hit very hard lately, the last half a year or so, all kinds of tickets," a member of the community said. - As reported by ABC News

So yeah. Riot. Thats the ticket. Oh wait. Thats what started this.

Now back to the apology.

Theres numerous allegations going around. 1 is that Joseph Esposito, the senior cop on the scene yelled out 'Fuck the Jews, Fuck the community!' Another says he said 'Get these fucking Jews out of here!' and the police, who acknowledge some sort of foul language says he said 'Get these fucking people out of here!'

I'm going with the second one. 'Get these fucking jews out of here!' sounds about right. Was it nice? No. Was it an accurate sentence in what the officer wanted done? Uh, yeah.

"But Elon if he said 'Get these fucking niggers out of here!' you'd say he was racist!'

Yes. I would. But Fucking Niggers and Fucking Jews are 2 different sayings. It may not have been appropriate, but they are Jews. Black people aren't niggers. Despite what some wrather popular songs may refer to them as. In the face of rioting and cars being set on fire, I can see this being yelled.

Nice? No. Apology worthy? Not so much.

Now Mr. 75 Year old dude who's at the center of this thing says that when they were arresting him they kinda pushed him down into the van and said 'This is how we treat niggers.' But no one's asked for an apology for that.

Strange.

Man tries to sell wife's box because his cock can't fit.

2006-04-06T11:29:00.000-04:00

LMAO!* The story was found here. But I've brought most of the good stuff over already.

Um...it seems that some guy in Wisconsin, after trying to put his Cock in his wifes box, realized it didn't fit and decided to sell it. This is not what I normally post but I laughed at the sheer silliness of it.

Please Click on this. Please!!!!

It seems that Ebay pulled the sale (Why? I have no clue.) It has been speculated that it had something to do with this particular exchange.

Again. You MUST click on this.

Sometimes you need some ridiculousness in your life.

*LMAO = Laughing My Ass Off.